The Hand that is Dealt Us

I am fascinated with how people handle what life deals them. I know people that can't have children, have horribly complicated pregnancies, have lost children, have lost spouses, have faced death or even succumbed to death because of life threatening diseases. My mother fought dying like a trooper. For my whole like she had major health issues and we almost lost her many times before she finally passed away. Most people that knew her really didn't know just how sick she really was. That was not what she dwelled on. Other people I know - their illnesses are all they discuss. If the didn't have their health issues, they would not be able to carry on a conversation.

I know women that have quit attending Church because they were so mad at Heavenly Father they couldn't face another mother holding a baby. I even fit that one for a while (only for a few weeks). I would have a horrible time just after my miscarriages attending Church again because I was so jealous. That was what it really boiled down too. I was jealous of what they had. The day I was at peace with with the life Heavenly Father dealt me, I realized I was pregnant with Carianne. For 7 months of that pregnancy I was in bed - something I had said I would never do. But when it came down to it - if bed rest was what was going to keep me pregnant - then I would follow DR's orders. Apparently I had grown up enough to be a mother and I was rewarded with Carianne. No matter what we did - what type of birth control we used thereafter, the rest of the girls showed up on their own time table. We had no control over it. Then when Pam was born, EVERYONE told me that she was the last. But more importantly, Heavenly Father had told me that. I had never felt like our family was incomplete. With Pam - we were the family we were supposed to be.

It has been a lot of little lessons along the way for me to accept what Heavenly Father wants for me. There have been times when I have been hardheaded and hardhearted. I have paid for that dearly. I could dwell on that and wish I done better. In my 'old-age' I realize that does me no good. What I do realize is I have learned from these mistakes and now I listen when I pray and accept what is given me, no matter how good or grim. I realize that I am blessed. I have to look at each and every opportunity that presents itself as just that - an opportunity. I can either let it defeat me or I can conquer it! It has taken me a long time to get to this point.